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Assoonasitis
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Yo, ITT post some dope-ass science-fictiony shit that you come up with. Must be Super-Science, must be Science-Fiction, must be awesome, must be as original as possible. Let's work together to create a sweet-ass universe where mechadragons rule the skies and starships that make the Death Star look like something out of a Cracker-Jack box. I'll start.

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As a replacement for our unobtanium reactor, we have created four dozen miniature weather systems inside an area about the size of a bathroom, each of which is a raging lightning storm. Using this, we are able to harness exawatts of power from the hundreds of simultaneous lightning strikes. This hasn't translated into any additional speed for our ships, but we have developed a rather impressive lightning cannon which is capable of literally exploding stars.

ADDENDUM: R&D would like to remind everybody to use every precaution while operating the lightning cannon, as there have already been several incidents reported of reality-rending.

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Thanks to Simmonds' completely unauthorized (and really dangerous and stupid) experiments, we have found another reality parallel to our own. Fortunately this new reality has trees with candy growing on them and everything is perfect. Or, rather, it's awful and Stanfield hasn't been quite the same since he saw the other side. While we're very concerned for Dr. Stanfield and his family, this does offer some intriguing avenues for psychological warfare.

ADDENDUM: Holy shit, no. Not even our worst enemies deserve to be subjected to what's on the other side.

ADDENDUM: We have since fixed the tear, but the entire eastern wing has still had to be abandoned due "unsettling noises" being heard around where the tear was.

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Thanks to Simmonds' completely unauthorized (and really dangerous and stupid) experiments, we have found another reality parallel to our own. Fortunately this new reality has trees with candy growing on them and everything is perfect. Or, rather, it's awful and Stanfield hasn't been quite the same since he saw the other side. While we're very concerned for Dr. Stanfield and his family, this does offer some intriguing avenues for psychological warfare.

ADDENDUM: Holy shit, no. Not even our worst enemies deserve to be subjected to what's on the other side.

ADDENDUM: We have since fixed the tear, but the entire eastern wing has still had to be abandoned due "unsettling noises" being heard around where the tear was.

The MLP dimension?

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Special Projects Team 3 has come up with some interesting new blueprints for FTL-capable ships which use non-Euclidean geometry (which we have dubbed "NEDs" or "Non-Euclidean Drives") to cover great distances in very little time. The most promising is a drive engine which seems capable of existing in several points in space simultaneously, though a minimum distance from the drive while it is in operation is required to prevent any more incidents of engineering crew being atomically rearranged or total protonic reversal.

NOTE: We are aware of and have allowed SPT3 to continue to wear their cowls, but have asked that they keep the chanting down while others are working nearby. Please report any trouble you are having with them or incidents of trans-dimensional demonic contact to the head of SciDiv.

ADDENDUM: Please ensure to properly vet any engineering crew assigned to work on or near the NEDs. We've had at least five teams completely eradicated when one of the engineering crew went completely insane, including one notable incident in which the afflicted skinned three of his crew alive, killed the others in various inventive ways with a knife and carved a tally mark into his skin for every member he killed. The crewman in question-who now answers only to the name "Victor"-can be interviewed in the psych ward, albeit with armed guard.

ADDENDUM: SPT3 has all been sacked and jettisoned into space after an incident in which they very nearly succeeded in summoning C'thulhu inside one of our storm reactors.

Edited by Assoonasitis
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Using science which we have yet to understand (science, not magic, Simmonds), we have created a relatively small device of dubious utility which can equipped on any of our largest vessels. We say "relatively small" because the device is capable of moving anything (anything) with mass with very little power usage (about the same as a 40 Watt light bulb). So far we haven't come up with a better use than playing billiards with uninhabited planets using black holes for pockets.

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MEMO FROM HEAD OF SCIDIV.

RE: Magic in the labs.

I would like to remind everybody once again that "magic" is not approved for laboratory use without written permission from either me or command. If I catch you guys trying to cast one more hex (especially you, Simmonds), slinging bolts of lightning or-so help me-trying to turn anything into gold, I will be forced to write you up, and will take further disciplinary action as is required. Note that Voodoo is exempt from this, with the exception of attempting to raise the dead.

ADDENDUM: God damn it, Simmonds, what did I say about hexes and raising the dead? If I have to talk to you about this again you're being transferred to maintenance division. How hard is it to seek permission for your experiments?

Edited by Assoonasitis
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MEMO FROM HEAD OF SCIDIV

RE: Rumours

Despite what you may have heard, we are not (not) currently working on "a Voltron". And if we were, Simmonds, I assure you that you would not be the one to "form the head". I want to dispel these now, because last time we tried this it took maintenance a month to clean the blood out of the labs and pilots using the cockpits we used in construction are still complaining about finding chunks of the test pilots jammed in the moving parts.

Edited by Assoonasitis
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By focusing the power from just one storm in one of our reactors, we have been able to control the universe-rending somewhat. What we have further found is that by opening a very, very small tear in the fabric of reality we are able to harness vast quantities of what can only be described as eldritch energies. These energies produce almost no power, but are incredibly destructive, and it was a rather simple matter to focus them into a beam weapon. While we do have several ship-ready prototypes constructed, SciDiv would like to caution against the use of these "eldritch cannons" until further testing and fine-tuning has been done, as our last experiment nullified an entire galaxy by turning it to anti-matter and the outward expansion of the universe in that quadrant has yet to resume.

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I am cribbing really hard from the likes of Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis because I love Ghostbusters, but if you're more of a Frank Herbert or Isaac Asimov or Gene Roddenberry whatever kinda guy (or gal) and want to share, I encourage it. I just want to foster creativity between people where we can critique and get better and, most importantly, create something much bigger and more exciting together than any of us could do alone. Think of it as a meta project.

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MEMO FROM HEAD OF SCIDIV

RE: Don't do it again

This is a reminder to all our staff-especially Dr. Simmonds-that we are not the MythBusters. In light of this, I do not want to hear about anybody-especially Dr. Simmonds-adding any type of explosives or volatile chemical mixtures to anything that is not meant to explode and calling it an experiment, Dr. Simmonds. And a further reminder to all staff-especially Dr. Simmonds (especially)-of the dangers of rigging storm reactors to explode. If anything like what happened to what used to be Orbital Research Station Seshat and Io ever happens again, I assure you, Dr. Simmonds, that repair and/ or cleanup costs will be taken directly from your pay.

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All right then, lads and lasses, I'm going to bed now and I just hope you come up with something-anything-before I wake up tomorrow morning. I guess it's a little vain to assume people are reading all of my random musings, but whatever. Feedback, contributions, calling me an idiot, whatever. I believe in you. And also fairies.

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Thanks to the tireless efforts of SPT2 we have discovered an incredibly efficient method for collecting materiel: simply make it ourselves. SPT2 recently created a method hat allows us to break molecules and atoms down to their component parts without causing massive explosions, then reform them into whatever we want. We would like to remind everybody that as much as this process seems like alchemy, it is very unlikely to produce any sort of "Philosopher's Stone" and anybody caught transmuting anything into gold will be subject to severe disciplinary action.

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To: Chief Research Director

Re: New cannon prototype

Chief, I hear rumors that you're about to cut the funding to our project. If that has got anything to do with stories circulating from lab Beta-3, know that the guys have a active vendetta on us after we obliderated them in poker a month ago. Whatever stories you heard are just rumors.

To clarify further, the Superheated Polarized Emissions Reflexive Meson cannon is a feat of engineering marvel, capable of unleashing a beam that consists of a mix of the most exotic and devastating particles known to man. I admit that I have no idea how exactly we managed to do that (it should be impossible for all those particels to occupy the same space at the same time) as the entire team was compeltely stoned that night.

But, it's value is undeniable. Where else will you find a weapon of that power? True, it's effects are completely random, from causing things to explode, implode, shrink, age, go forwards or backwards and moving and teleporting things around. Additional testing is required (as well as re-loacting us to another sector. We ran out of uninhabited planets. The last one ended teleported into the anus of poor Dr. Shen.)

ADDENDUM: Yes, the cannon is indeed powered by feces. Monkey feces to be exact. Altough we found that a spearm whale, or just normal sperm, is much more efficient as it basicly overcharges the cannon. Do not ask how we found that out, I have no memory of that night.

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MEMO FROM HEAD OF SCIDIV

TO: Dr. Johnson

RE: Professional Conduct

I have received several complaints from your team, mostly from the women (but a few men, also), about your behaviour since being moved to the Superheated Polarized Emissions Reflexive Meson cannon team, and let me be clear: nobody finds it in the least bit amusing. If I hear about you yelling, "I'll show you a real SPERM Cannon!" one more time, you will be surgically reprimanded and the offending appendage will be jettisoned into the Sun. I hope I have made myself clear on this matter.

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MEMO FROM HEAD OF SCIDIV

RE: Cloning Vats

This is a reminder to all SciDiv personnel that decommissioned cloning vats are not to be used in the production of bathtub gin. We all remember what happened to Dr. Morris, and I would remind you all that the process of removing all of those extra arms was time-consuming and incredibly uncomfortable for all involved.

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RE: Cloning vats

We can still use them to create duplicates for testing purposes? If I didn't have the last 4 clones (who were electrocuted ,vaporized, squased and dematerilaized..in that order) I would have been dead. Think of all the paperwork! Think of my wife (if I had one. I'm married to SCIENCE!)

EDIT: Also, using the spare cloning vats for stress release has done wonders for morale. A dozen catgilrs (or whatever rocks your boat) realyl raises spirits... and make for some loud parties.

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OFFICE MEMO

TO: Everyone

RE: Avian Amphibian Taknosaurus

I hear Dr. Darcy have been going around calling my experiment immoral?

Here I am, advancing the boundires of science, and his yealousy prevents him from recognizing my genius. Do not let him confuse you.

My research into cross-breeding crododiles and birds to create an armored flying lizard is revolutionary. I mean, evolution just doens't cut it these days. I spent days watching my experiments have sex. But it wasn't enough, so I had to take things into my own hands.

Bilogical tampering can only get you so far, so I bombarded the living s*** out of the subjects DNA with various kinds of radiation and magic. I made evolution my b***!

See the inculded picture A for evidence of my genius

EDIT:

Ignore picture A, I attached the wrong one by mistake.

I had to do something with all the bad genes, so the subject on picture A is the result. It's a crime against existence and nature, but it's creation was also what lead to my first major breaktrough. Subject B. Now all that is left is to cross-bread subject B with a tank. Then we'll have our own flying tankosaurus. with lazers!

Signed:

Dr. sr. mrc. sd. phd. std. ekg. mrt. Dinklestein

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