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Half-Life 3 Announcement!


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>lights go down

>crowd stirs

>a 3 adorns the screen

>it's orange

>the ground begins to shake

>the crowd whips into a frenzy--he comes.

>our lord and savior holds up his hand, halting the ongoing orgy going on in the audience

>his chin fat majestically flaps in the AC cooled breeze

>I am happy to announce...

>several men choke themselves to death as the rest of their life could not possibly match this moment

>Half Life 3

>literal eat shattering sobs of happiness

>for the Wii U

>Gaben is handed a Wii U and turns around to the screen

>gameplay displays

>it's cartoony, almost anime visual quality

>Gordon speaks in the first 5 seconds about how he needs to lock down that generator

>Objective: Lock down the Generator flashes on your screen in bright yellow text

>a golden path lights up on the ground leading you to the generator

>the enemies are generic soldiers, not even combine

>the gunplay is extremely dumbed down to the point the enemies will stand in full view and line up their shot for over 3 seconds

>Gordon yells "Yeah, Headshot!"

>Suddenly 2 player flashes on the screen with "Join"

>Jeremy comes out on stage

>he joins the game

>he's G-man

>Gordon and G-man hold off the soldiers playfully bantering the entire time

>generator is saved

>Level Complete! comes up on screen

>it compares killstreaks and buddy saves between both players

>The camera pans around to Gaben's face

>tears stain his face

>all he can muster is a barely audible "I'm sorry"

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>Playing Halo 43 on my Xbox Two

>Doing a couch co-op playthrough with my best friend on the hardest difficulty (normal)

>Kill the boss at the end of the first stage, finally ready to buy the DLC for the next level

>Friend sticks his fist out and says "brofist"

>Before I can correct his sexist slang, my Kniect One stands up and scans both of us


>Kinect walks over to the couch and begins force feeding us both Mountain Dew and Doritos

>On screen reminder tells us to check our privilege every 15 minutes to ensure safe gameplay

>Shout "McDonalds!" at the screen to continue the game

>30 minutes later, the delivery guy arrives with my Filet-o-fish

>"That'll be 14.95... plus tip!"

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